| OK Super-computer
Mediawatch loves us a super-computer. Even though we know it's just a normal computer loaded with an algorithm, we love us a super-computer. But do you know who loves a super-computer even more than Mediawatch? Yes, that's right; football website editors desperate for clicks. 'Supercomputer makes new prediction on how Premier League table will finish – and Man Utd fans will love it.'
How special must the Daily Mirror football journalists feel when they open up their newspaper's website to see that front and central? Sod all their work over a long weekend of football, a 'supercomputer' has done a prediction. It's not even really a 'new prediction' as there is a running predicted league table on Football Web Pages; every day brings a 'new prediction'. And their current predicted final table – seen in full here – has Liverpool top by a full seven points and Manchester United in fourth. Hence, United fans 'will love it'. If they are simpletons. And assuming they have never seen this 'supercomputer' in action before. On Christmas Day, for example, this 'super-computer' predicted that Liverpool would win by just a point. So, to re-cap, at a time when Liverpool were four actual points ahead of Manchester City, they were predicted to win the title by one point. And now, level on points with City, they are expected to forge a seven-point advantage over City. It all makes perfect sense. Oh and look where the super-computer pitched Manchester United at Christmas… So how will Manchester City – who have won seven of their last eight Premier League games, remember – end up seven points behind Liverpool? Well thankfully, the super-computer provides its working out, so we know. Firstly, Liverpool are going to win every game without conceding another goal. Of course. As for City, well apparently they will draw 1-1 at Bournemouth. Which is odd because they have calculated a 50% chance of an away win in that match. And this will come a week after Liverpool win 1-0 at Manchester United despite there being only a 48.8% chance of an away win in that match. Obviously we don't have a super-computer so we don't quite understand how that works. But we're sure it's just science and stuff. Our favourite line of the Mirror piece? 'There are set to be twists and turns at both ends of the table before the final day of the season, but how the table will look come May is anyone's guess.'
Unless you have a super-computer… Sack race
How bizarre that the Mirror website has to resort to a made-up league table to generate clicks when their actual back page on Monday morning confidently states that 'MAURIZIO SARRI is facing the sack after Chelsea's heaviest Premier League defeat'. It's almost like that was a complete guess by the newspaper's Manchester correspondent. Remember this? Fail
'MANCHESTER CITY should win the Premier League. They have the best team and definitely the deepest squad' – The Daily Mail. Somebody doesn't have a super-computer. Tis not the season to be jolly
Leading headline on the MailOnline football page at 12pm on Monday: 'Chelsea fan THROWS season ticket onto the pitch after Rudiger apologises to travelling supporters for performance against City.' Now if you are wondering why a Chelsea fan took his season ticket to an away game, you are right to wonder. Because of course a Chelsea fan did not take his season ticket to an away game, he took his membership card, which – as the report actually states – 'gives supporters the opportunity to buy tickets before they go on sale to the public'. So, to be exact: 'Chelsea fan THROWS card which makes it easier to buy tickets – that can probably be replaced – onto the pitch after Rudiger apologises to travelling supporters for performance against City.' Boom. Killing me softly with his song…
The game's gone. Sod that, the world's gone. This is how The Sun's report of Watford's win over Everton begins on Monday morning: 'The Premier League needs to finally call time on Watford's feud with Everton before someone is killed. 'Over-dramatic?' Yes. Yes. A million times yes. You've absolutely lost it there. 'Try telling that to the two Watford supporters who were taken to hospital after being battered when rivals fans clashed following the game. Four arrests were made.'
'Taken to hospital after being battered' sounds rather serious. Let's ask the police… So you want us to ask two men with 'cuts and bruises' whether somebody is going to get killed if the Premier League do not step in to stop Watford's feud with Everton? Seems reasonable. 'There is no evidence the violence which erupted outside Vicarage Road was connected to the trash-talking that went on before, during and after Saturday's match.'
You don't say? And there we were thinking that Watford and Everton fans traded blows while arguing vociferously about whether Watford should really have played 'Lying Eyes' ahead of the match, as part of the 'petty jibes and namecalling' that has been going on between the two clubs over the last 12 months. But regardless of there being no evidence of a link, you want the Premier League to somehow stop those 'petty jibes' to prevent somebody actually dying? Are we in some sort of parallel universe here? 'Everton will not report Watford's musical tastes to the Premier League, according to our sources, but believe it showed a distinct lack of class.'
Oh we are. We actually live in a world where a journalist has asked one club if they will report another club to the Premier League for playing The Eagles. For f***'s sake. Martial bore
'ANTHONY MARTIAL could have walked out at Old Trafford as a FORMER Manchester United player tomorrow night,' begins Charlie Wyett's 'match report' in The Sun. As always, spare a thought for the Fulham fans who pick up a newspaper hoping to read about their team this Monday morning. Tough luck, for there are benign quotes from Ole Gunnar Solskjaer about Martial. 'When Jose Mourinho wanted to get rid of him last summer, the French striker was a big target for Paris Saint-Germain.'
(though The Sun themselves did claim that PSG rejected that deal in July). 'Instead, Martial was handed a new five-year contract by the club – against the manager's wishes – and eventually, it was Mourinho who was sacked.'
Well, Mourinho was 'eventually' sacked in mid-December, around six weeks before Martial signed that new five-year contract. The order is pretty damned important to the narrative here; the notion that United backed Martial over Mourinho is not exactly accurate. Wyett then goes on to quote Solskjaer saying he is "glad" that the Frenchman is in his team, which is somehow spun as 'another refreshingly upbeat response', presumably in contrast to misery-guts Mourinho. Is anybody else getting a bit bored with this trope yet? Listen, come and find us when Solskjaer watches his player score in a 3-0 victory and then says he doesn't want that c*** in his team; then we're interested. Admission of the day
'BERND LENO came clean – even if once again he did not manage to keep a clean sheet away from home. 'The German keeper, 26, admitted he had no idea Arsenal are the only Prem club this season to have conceded at least once in every league game on the road' – The Sun. Frankly, we're embarrassed for him. Recommended reading of the day
Rory Smith on the Doncaster Belles Barney Ronay on Sergio Aguero and Pep Guardiola Miguel Delaney on Angel Di Maria
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February 11, 2019 at 07:05PM | 
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